I hate work. I work too much for too little....okay, I shouldn't say that. I love my job because it's so much fun, but again, I don't get paid enough for this shit! Gnah! All the stuff they have me do is just...no. Like the fact I won't be able to spend Thanksgiving with my family for the second year in a row because they essentially have me working from 5PM Thanksgiving night until noon on Black Friday. That's about 16 hours people! I should get paid more, so I'm starting to look for a second job. I applied for a uh, a modeling agency, so um, yeah...hopefully I get a call back. Well, it's not just for modeling. It's for acting and self improvement and photography and interview skills and all that good stuff. Basically it's an agency committed to bringing out the best in you and to make you more confident in yourself, which in my case can't hurt.
.....On the more positive side, the cat's doing good. She's healthy and happy and that's all that matters. I also completed my first sewing project about a week ago. I made myself an apron and I'm really proud of it (: Brian wants me to make more and some other stuff so we could try to sell them. If ya'll are interested, hit me up and I'll gladly be of service!
He's deploying for Korea tomorrow and I'm really scared for him. Hopefully he comes back in one piece and not in a box while a folded flag is presented to me by his sister at my house.

Okay, this month has been one of the most confusing I've had in a while. So apparently, the engagement isn't over....but we're not supposed to be talking for like a month...I don't get it but whatever. I haven't seen him since Saturday because he got sent to Georgia and I'm not going to see him until maybe Wednesday or Thursday. I have no idea, I haven't talked to him since he left either. And then there's the possibility he'll get deployed to Afghanistan within a week for 9 months...and he wonders why I'm worried as hell about him. But oh wait, it get's better. He promised me if he does end up getting deployed, he's going to take me down to the courthouse and we're getting married. And then there's the fact I might be pregnant because I can't remember the last time I had my period, but I know it was before July. Not that's abnormal since my "regular" period is about once every 3 or 4 months. I know, another notch is my weirdness meter. Trust me, that doesn't scratch the surface....not like I can control when I get my periods anyways. okay, getting off the subject of my menstrual cycles....I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking of moving in back with my parents so we really wouldn't be able to see each other for a month, just like he wants. Any thoughts? My parents are psycho and being with them brings my depression back and they can't stand Brian at all, but maybe this would be good for us?

So yeah, my engagement is over but whatever. It's his loss. Anyways I've been doing some thinking and I want to do something more productive with this website. So I think what I'm going to do is have people ask me some questions or have some requests for what they want to see on here and I'll do my best to help! So....send me shiz and I'll get to it (:

So I did the bad and sneaky thing and read the messages on Facebook between Brian and his ex Amber and have realized he has lied to me before and not just about one thing either. I know of at least 4 and she said he's a compulsive liar....and he didn't deny it! His grandparents have even told my parents the same thing...and honestly I'm starting to think it's true. I mean, he makes some of the most outrageous claims and can't prove them. When he finally does have "proof", something always conveniently happens where that "proof" can't be shown. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and stand up for him when people have called him a liar or anything else....but after reading their conversations and him not denying anything.......I have no idea what to think anymore. He claims him lying to her about....something was what drove their relationship apart and for her to not trust a word he says anymore. This something was never mentioned....but somehow I have the sinking feeling it's the same thing he's told me and that our whole relationship is nothing more than a joke and I'm just a rebound. He even claimed she's the love of his life...not was , IS. As in present tense.....when he told me the same thing. There was also this saying in Tau that apparently you only say once in your life to the person you're truly supposed to be with.....he told that saying to me and said he never said it to Amber....I found it written twice in the messages......He told me they dated for 3 years, when the messages only mentioned half that time......He said she was the one that deceived him, left him, lied to him (which was true at some point)....but he never mentioned she left him because he lied to her........I feel so lost and confused and am on the verge of breaking down....I honestly don't know what to believe anymore....

I hope this isn't the case, but I just might possibly be pregnant. I know what y'all are thinking, "How can this be true? You're someone who has everything going for them, but can't support a baby at this time! Shame, shame" but hey, you can't control these kinda of things. It's something that just...happens. Why do I think this? For starters, I believe I might be showing signs of early pregnancy, like extreme fatigue, nausea, lower back pain, cramping in the....you know  where....area, dizziness, I need to pee a lot, chronic headaches, change in taste of food, I tend to get pissed off really easily now, and there's a possibility I missed my period, but I'm not sure. Keep in mind, most of these have just been happening in the past couple days and doesn't mean they've gone away. I'm honestly not sure. Now for the examples, going in order:
Fatigue
Lately I've been feeling really tired and lazy as all hell lately. I want to sleep all the time and don't really have a motivation to get up and do anything anymore. Honestly, I don't feel like getting out of bed most of the time, and if I do I either go to a different bed or return to my own. I swear, I'm not usually this lazy.
Nausea
About two days or so ago, I threw up for the first time in years and I continued throwing up every half-hour to every hour for the rest of the night. It honestly got so bad, I slept on the bathroom floor for 4 hours or so because every time I would want to go back to bed, not too long later I would have to throw up again. I honestly couldn't keep anything down, even water. Now this is the part where I'm not sure on. Brian had the same problem, but more severely the night before, but his problem also included extreme stomach pain and uncontrollable bowel movements, which included a nasty case of diarrhea. It got so bad, I had to call an ambulance and take him to the E.R. They determined it was a stomach virus and food poisoning at the same time. Mega ouch. And so I get it the next day, minus the bowel movements and diarrhea, but that's not all. Apparently his grandmother contracted a minor case of vomiting too. I didn't hear/see it personally, but that was what I was told. I've also had the feeling like I'm going to throw up lately as well. Now this makes me think if I contracted a stomach virus as well, or could this be morning sickness?
Lower Back Pain
Alright, so check this out, today I've had the worst back pain that I can remember. It honestly got so bad I could hardly move at all or walk correctly. Brian says I pulled a few muscles in my back that was caused by Bert's (a friend of ours) reckless driving when he took Anthony and I up to San Francisco yesterday. That was the day of the vomiting, but it happened before the vomiting happened. I tried everything to relieve it. Brian tried to give me a back message, but said I was too tight and needed to take a bath with epson salt to loosen my back up. I did that, but it didn't help my back at all like it usually does. So I laid down for a bit with a pillow under my lower back, which hurt like hell. I then tried laying on my stomach and it still hurt like hell. I tried to walk it off, but I couldn't walk normally. I didn't get up for dinner because my back hurt that much., If I moved, my back hurt so bad I would almost cry. Brian then said I should take a hot shower with the water stream focused directly on my lower back and on the setting where it was like a spa jet. That still didn't work.He then tried to give me another message, and that made it worse. So as we were watching a movie on Netflix, I could barely focus because of the pain. It's only now just barely starting to subside.
Cramping Like I'm On My Period, but I'm Not
So while this back pain was going on, I got some incredibly horrible cramps in....that region. Now, I usually get cramps like that when I'm on my period but I'm not because I'm not bleeding. Thankfully, it went away after about 10 minutes, but whose to say it won't come back?
Dizziness
This actually is a pretty damn common thing for me, so I'm not sure if this counts. I tend to get really dizzy and light-headed when I sit down and stand up. Like, this happens pretty much every time I stand.
Frequent Urination
I've had the urge to pee a lot in the past couple days. Abnormally so. It's like my bladder has shrunk a few sizes and I need to pee even after I haven drunk anything in a few hours or so.
Headaches
The same thing with dizziness happen with headaches, but not as frequent nor does it happen every time I stand up. It usually happens at random. So again, I'm not sure if this counts.
Change in Tastes of Food
Or lack there of I could say. Today I experienced the sensation of the idea of food and eating repulses me. I threw up everything I ate when I had that vomiting bout, so naturally I knew I needed to eat something soon. Brain's grandfather was making fish and rice for dinner earlier today and, like I said before, my back hurt so much I didn't want to get up to eat. After a trip to the bathroom to, you guessed it, pee. I asked Brian to help me to the dinning room so I could have something to eat. Well, my back hurt so bad I had to sit down and couldn't make it, so Brian heated up a bowl of rice that his grandfather made earlier: my absolute favorite, Rice-A-Roni. I could honestly eat that shit for the rest of my life and never get tired of it. But when I took a bite, I wanted to throw up! This has never happened before. I'm not sure if it's because of my stomach being empty for two days and my body is now rejecting food, or if my taste buds are changing because of a possible pregnancy.
Mood swings
I've been getting really pissy lately. I snapped at Brian a few times today about trivial things when he was only trying to help me or something to that extent. There was a time a few hours ago, wight before we went to bed, when he snapped at me because he is always in pain and I asked him to help me to the bathroom and wait for me to be done so he could help me back because my back still hurt, and I just wanted to go off on him, but I didn't. I held my tongue and just cussed him out under my breath. But when i got out, he apologized for getting mad and helped me back to my room. I can't remember what the other things were about, but I do remember he said something that pissed me off and I snapped something at him and he didn't say anything back. I felt horrible afterwards, but didn't say anything.
Possible Missed Period?
I know girls are supposed to track their periods so they can prepare for the next one, but I can't do that. That only works for girls that are regular. I'm the complete opposite of that. My "regularness" is about once every three months or so. Maybe. So it's extremely difficult to track. It also doesn't help I have a really bad memory and the last period I can clearly remember was in December. I know I've had one since, but I can't remember when that was. Maybe a few months ago? I can't be sure.

I'm just going to come out and say it. As of right now, it's official; Brian and my engagement is over as of last night. It was a mutual agreement and at the moment, we're just friends. It all started when Brian got called into work last night, like he always does, and not only ruined our plans yet again but this one caused me to finally snap and just break down and tell him everything I've been feeling recently. So I told him exactly how I felt about his job, our relationship, my feelings, the depression and suicide thoughts, how I should expect he will leave everyday for work now even on his supposed "days off",  and how I feel that we shouldn't make plans to do anything together anymore because they always get interrupted or canceled because of his job. Well, me telling him I've been beyond miserable and have had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for several months now and the honest to God theory that I don't think I have a heart left to give him after all the bullshit and heartbreak I've been through in my life, led him to propose we break off the engagement until we're both ready for this and then maybe try again in a few years or so.
But don't worry! There is some good news out of this! We talked about it a little over the phone while he was at work, and we're going to discuss what's going to happen next and we might not break it off completely after all when he gets home from work tonight. And if that doesn't work, I have a feeling that our week in Tahoe for his birthday next week, where he is going to accept no work-related phone calls, will straighten things out.

but my engagement might be over soon. Yeah, you all heard me right. Brian and I have gotten down to the final straw and there's only one card left to play in our deck and that's I have to change and become more mature or we won't be able to work. I honestly don't see why I'm the only one that has to change here. This is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP, not a one-sided street. What we do, we do TOGETHER. And I'm not even the one with anger issues that gets violent when I don't get my way or has to have an answer at the exact moment after I finish speaking or forces people to look at me when I'm talking no matter what and/or forces them to lay down so they don't get away. Yeah, okay, I'll admit sometimes I don't think before I act. Everybody is guilty of that. Like geezus christ, I don't know one person who hasn't done that before in their life and you know what? I'm sorry I can't help the fact that sometimes my emotions dictate what I do or say and have no god damn control over it and don't even realize I'm doing it until after the fact! You want ME to change?!?! Oh no buddy, I think we BOTH need to change. This relationship is beyond destructive and we're not only hurting ourselves, but the people around us as well. Everyone says I'm the reason this relationship isn't working? Fuck them all. They don't know jack shit about our relationship. You really want to know why I'm the way I am? Because you are always the biggest asshole to me and I'm the type of person that you pull that shit on me once, I'm in a bad mood for a few hours and unfortunately for you, most of what you do upsets me. You work to much. Even when you're not at work, you're on call. All the time. You let your boss call you every time we're in the middle of doing something about useless shit and continue talking for an hour. It's like you're never truly here and one little thing goes wrong at work, you immediately just drop everything and leave for hours, leaving me all alone with nothing to do.You get worked up over nothing. You never respect my wishes nor do you listen to me when I ask for some time alone. You phrase everything to turn it around and make me feel like the bad guy and guilty as all hell when I had a legit reason for getting mad or doing what I did. When I ask for one thing, you make it out to be I'm a demanding, controlling, lazy bitch. You never consider my feelings when you plan or say something. But most importantly, you expect me to be just like your ex. For some reason, you think that just because we're together I'm going to be just like you, exactly like Amber was. I'm sorry I don't believe in more than half the things you guys believed in or like to do most of the things you two liked to do. You need to realize more than anything, that just because you enjoy/believe it, doesn't mean I will. I don't believe in your Gods, I don't believe in magic or spells or tarot cards, I don't like playing D&D, I don't believe in witches, elves, dwarves, dragons, hobbits, or any of those fairy tale creatures......and yet, you continue to force them on me. Why is that? Why do you keep trying to force me to learn about your religion? I know about Norse mythology and your Asatru ways and I don't condemn you for believing in them, I just...I just wish you would see it from my point of view and stop trying to force them on me. I've told you God knows how many times I don't like playing that game, but yet every day you try to get me to play and to play with other people and more people than the day before. You know I feel uncomfortable playing but you continue to push it on me. And every time we hang out with Cynthia, Sierra, Bert or Jason, something....no, usually, everything has to be related to D&D, magic and spells, auras, energy and sixth sense shit all of you know damn well I'm not comfortable hearing or talking about but you guys never stop or consider, "Hey, she doesn't like this at all and is getting extremely uncomfortable about this and now is sitting in a corner by herself. Maybe we should find something else to talk about for once." but do you? No. You never do. You guys are never considerate of what other people feel because you guys make up the majority. And you wonder why I just walk away and prefer to be by myself? Because I try to be the better person and make everyone happy by leaving you guys alone so you can talk about that kind of stuff when I'm not around. And I'm sorry, I fail to see why that's cause for you to get mad at me. And the most frustrating part of it all is all I have been able to think about for the past few months is just ending it all. I hate everything and nothing ever seems to go right...life, work or lack there of I should say, too much pressure from everyone about everything, crappy ass living conditions, no money to go to school or buy essentials...seriously life is horrendous right now and I'm completely and utterly miserable and the one person that should care more than anyone else and try to fix this is too caught up in working and doesn't even seem to care in the slightest I feel this way, which makes me feel even worse! I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Does that make any sense at all? Oh well, doesn't matter. The point is.....if Brian claims he loves me so much, but doesn't even care about what I'm feeling or even asks me about it, then why should I care about living?

Yay! School's out! Actually it's been out for about a week now, but whatever. Well, I'm back (as promised) but now I'm so sick I can't even think straight. I honestly don't even know if I'm typing coherent words right now that's how bad I am. Anyways (man, I saw that too often), I think it would be best if I wait to update more later when I'm not as sick, yeah? I thought so too. By the way, I got a kitten about 3 or 4 days ago. That's a picture of her over there <------ Isn't she cute? Her name is Volts (HG fans know what I mean ;]) She loves cuddles but God be damned if she's picked up. She screams so loud, you'd think she's being murdered with a chainsaw. She's only 6 weeks old so she's still super hyper, but she'll get over it soon....hopefully....Alright, signing off now!

...and that's I won't be able to update like ever (like you've already seen) while still in school and working...SO I've decided to wait until school's out, which is somewhere around the 20th of May. Until then (with the exception of the 16th or 17th because I have a bridal appointment and need opinions!) no more posting until after finals! Love you all...however many of you there are...and I'll be back in a few weeks. Ciao!

So I haven't been ranting for a long time. Blame school and Brian. It's what I always do. But in all seriousness, it really is school's and Brian's fault. Brian got a new job not that long ago as a security officer. It pays really good but I hate his hours. Why? He works from 7 - 4...that's PM to AM and sometimes he wants me to go with him. I get home and I crash hard. What's worse is he expects me to get up early in the morning and go see him before 10 the next day. It takes me 2 hours just to get to his house because I don't have a car and have to walk 3.5 miles to the bus stop and then take the bus to another town. It's like dude, you want me to work off of less than 4 hours of sleep, just for you? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I love him very much but I need my sleep. So the past few weeks have been very uneventful until earlier this week.
Brian decided he wanted to hang out with his friend Anthony and his girlfriend Kimberly and he wanted me to be with him. I was thinking okay, cool. Why not? I know Anthony and he's really cool and, from what I've heard, Kim is really chill too, so i agreed. I had no idea what the plan was. All I knew was we were going to pick Kim up from work at 7 and then just hang out afterwards. Long story short, we ended up dropping them off at Anthony's house where they took his car and followed Brian and I back to his grandparent's house, where we dropped his car off and hopped into Anthony's car. We ended up going to Santa Clara for a party at one of their friend's houses. The one thing I can't stand and I still don't know to this day why it bothers me is smoking. Not just cigarettes, but hooka, weed, cigars, etc. Brian smokes cigars (which I'm not okay with) and the smell of weed makes me extremely nauseous and I don't like the sheer idea of hooka. Again, still have no idea why. Well I found out the hard way, there's a large pink hooka in the back yard. And when Kim, I can't remember her name right now but I think it's Caitlin so I'm going to stick with that, and I decided to go outside just to talk, all the guys were smoking hooka...including Brian. I know he sensed my displeasure because he turned around and saw me giving him the death look. The rest of the night I completely ignored him. I refused to talk to him at all (not like I was able to anyways if I wanted to. He spent the whole night pretty much in the back yard talking to Eric, Caitlin's brother) and if I had to, I kept it short and to the point. What we didn't know is Kim and Anthony planned to spend the night...and they kind of forgot we all took the same car to get here, so we didn't have much of a choice but to spend the night either. After the girls went back inside, we decided to watch TV for the next few hours. At one in the morning, Kim decided to go to bed and the boys were still outside talking. Kim essentially said fuck you to Anthony and went into one of the back rooms to sleep. Soon after I passed out on the couch. I woke up sometime later to Brian screaming in the back yard. I got up and glared at him through the window. He noticed me after facing Anthony to talk to him and I heard him say "I'm being glared at. I'll be right back guys." before he came inside. After closing the door, he told me he was sorry for pissing me off and he knows what he did crossed the line tonight and he's going to make it up to me. I pretty much passed out when talking to him, so he carried me into another bedroom and I woke up around 10 or so with Brian cuddling me from behind. He looks too damn cute when he sleeps, I couldn't stay mad at him. When everyone got up and after about a half hour of watching theme songs from the best TV shows of the 90's, we all went to breakfast at Denny's.  Brian was being sweet and trying to make me feel better, so he bought me a strawberry shake :) We then went home and spent the rest of the day doing something I don't even remember. What I would like to know though is, do you think I was justified in getting mad at him or was that unnecessarily cruel? There's no right or wrong asnwers and this is completely an opinion-orienteted question and there's no need to feel obligated to sugar-coat anything. Give it to me straight and as bluntly as possible.