So this may come as a shocker

but my engagement might be over soon. Yeah, you all heard me right. Brian and I have gotten down to the final straw and there's only one card left to play in our deck and that's I have to change and become more mature or we won't be able to work. I honestly don't see why I'm the only one that has to change here. This is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP, not a one-sided street. What we do, we do TOGETHER. And I'm not even the one with anger issues that gets violent when I don't get my way or has to have an answer at the exact moment after I finish speaking or forces people to look at me when I'm talking no matter what and/or forces them to lay down so they don't get away. Yeah, okay, I'll admit sometimes I don't think before I act. Everybody is guilty of that. Like geezus christ, I don't know one person who hasn't done that before in their life and you know what? I'm sorry I can't help the fact that sometimes my emotions dictate what I do or say and have no god damn control over it and don't even realize I'm doing it until after the fact! You want ME to change?!?! Oh no buddy, I think we BOTH need to change. This relationship is beyond destructive and we're not only hurting ourselves, but the people around us as well. Everyone says I'm the reason this relationship isn't working? Fuck them all. They don't know jack shit about our relationship. You really want to know why I'm the way I am? Because you are always the biggest asshole to me and I'm the type of person that you pull that shit on me once, I'm in a bad mood for a few hours and unfortunately for you, most of what you do upsets me. You work to much. Even when you're not at work, you're on call. All the time. You let your boss call you every time we're in the middle of doing something about useless shit and continue talking for an hour. It's like you're never truly here and one little thing goes wrong at work, you immediately just drop everything and leave for hours, leaving me all alone with nothing to do.You get worked up over nothing. You never respect my wishes nor do you listen to me when I ask for some time alone. You phrase everything to turn it around and make me feel like the bad guy and guilty as all hell when I had a legit reason for getting mad or doing what I did. When I ask for one thing, you make it out to be I'm a demanding, controlling, lazy bitch. You never consider my feelings when you plan or say something. But most importantly, you expect me to be just like your ex. For some reason, you think that just because we're together I'm going to be just like you, exactly like Amber was. I'm sorry I don't believe in more than half the things you guys believed in or like to do most of the things you two liked to do. You need to realize more than anything, that just because you enjoy/believe it, doesn't mean I will. I don't believe in your Gods, I don't believe in magic or spells or tarot cards, I don't like playing D&D, I don't believe in witches, elves, dwarves, dragons, hobbits, or any of those fairy tale creatures......and yet, you continue to force them on me. Why is that? Why do you keep trying to force me to learn about your religion? I know about Norse mythology and your Asatru ways and I don't condemn you for believing in them, I just...I just wish you would see it from my point of view and stop trying to force them on me. I've told you God knows how many times I don't like playing that game, but yet every day you try to get me to play and to play with other people and more people than the day before. You know I feel uncomfortable playing but you continue to push it on me. And every time we hang out with Cynthia, Sierra, Bert or Jason, something....no, usually, everything has to be related to D&D, magic and spells, auras, energy and sixth sense shit all of you know damn well I'm not comfortable hearing or talking about but you guys never stop or consider, "Hey, she doesn't like this at all and is getting extremely uncomfortable about this and now is sitting in a corner by herself. Maybe we should find something else to talk about for once." but do you? No. You never do. You guys are never considerate of what other people feel because you guys make up the majority. And you wonder why I just walk away and prefer to be by myself? Because I try to be the better person and make everyone happy by leaving you guys alone so you can talk about that kind of stuff when I'm not around. And I'm sorry, I fail to see why that's cause for you to get mad at me. And the most frustrating part of it all is all I have been able to think about for the past few months is just ending it all. I hate everything and nothing ever seems to go right...life, work or lack there of I should say, too much pressure from everyone about everything, crappy ass living conditions, no money to go to school or buy essentials...seriously life is horrendous right now and I'm completely and utterly miserable and the one person that should care more than anyone else and try to fix this is too caught up in working and doesn't even seem to care in the slightest I feel this way, which makes me feel even worse! I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Does that make any sense at all? Oh well, doesn't matter. The point is.....if Brian claims he loves me so much, but doesn't even care about what I'm feeling or even asks me about it, then why should I care about living?