Okay, so I'm in the middle of trying to plan a wedding right? Everyone knows how that shit goes; stressful, a lot of arguments, even more planning and drama up the ass. Can be fun, but usually isn't. Anyways, Brian has this cousin, Caitlin, that we only recently learned she's related to him. I really wish we didn't but oh well. Caitlin has this...I don't know what it is really but there's something in her that compels her to control everything not only in her life, but in other people's lives too. She legitly has tried to break Brian and I up and actually succeeded in breaking up our friend's engagement as well. She makes up the most ridiculous things just to get people to do what she wants and creates unnecessary drama. The worst part about it is she only ever does it to Brian. Like he really needs that stress. Not in the condition he's in or with his medical problems. But then again he does stress and worry and fret about nothing most of the time anyway. But not too long ago, we got into this huge fight with them and finally we just said fuck it. We don't want to be friends with you guys anymore and we didn't talk to them for the longest time, until finally one day Brian got a message on Facebook from Caitlin's husband Cody saying he wants to be friends again. He had to create a different account and used a different name, but there was no mistaking the picture, no matter how much he blurred it. We had a long talk about it, then finally we decided we're going to be the nice people and give them one more shot. So we did and.........all goes well for about a week, and then your coffin begins to leak. The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out. The worms play pinochle in your snout, They eat your eyes, they eat your nose, they eat the jelly between your toes. A big green worm with rolling eyes crawls in your stomach and out your eyes.....sorry the sentence I was going to write made me think of that song I learned in 5th grade. A bit morbid for a 5th grader to be singing about death don't you think? Anyways so for a few months there was no drama or anything, at least none that I know of. But then the other day, Caitlin and Cody show up at Brian's house and they decide to come over to my house and pick me up. We end up going to target first where we got food and were there for some reason I don't even remember, but we ended up in the candle aisle. From there we decided to go to the Yankee Candle store in the mall and while we were there, we were going to go to a dress shop to pick out colours for the wedding and see the different dress sizes. So we went to the mall and picked up their cousin Chelsea, who I have no problem with because she's like uber cool, on the way there. I told them, I want to be home around 7-7:30 so I can watch the Sharks game. They were like "Okay, we can get you home by then." So I was all for going. We ended up staying at Chelsea's house for about an hour and then when we went to the mall, Caitlin decided it would be a great idea to try on wedding dresses while we were at Jessica McClintock looking for colours for the wedding. I tried on a few when in the back of my mind I just wanted to leave and go home. While in the store, Caitlin proclaimed herself to be one of my bridesmaids. No offense to Caitlin or anything, but I really don't want her apart of my bridal party. Bridesmaids are supposed to be a girl's best friends and she isn't one of them. In all honesty, if I knew she wouldn't cause such a huge fit about it and cause a lot of unnecessary drama over it, I wouldn't want her at my wedding at all. especially since I know she's going to try to put herself in the middle of everything and try to, once again, take control of something that she shouldn't be. I mean seriously? You honestly think proclaiming yourself to be one of my bridesmaids is going to make you one? No, not even by a long shot. I already have my bridesmaids (two of which are guys!) and there's no room for another one. Obviously Sierra is going to be my maid of honor. That much is a given. But I also want Alie, who I've been best friends with since 3rd grade, and Amanda who I just recently met to be there. and then my boys are going to be the last two. Brian wants 5 groomsmen, so I get 5 bridesmaids. I really, really, REALLY don't want Caitlin to be one of them.But Cody is one of the groomsmen, so I don't have a choice in it. I just feel like she's either going to start something at the wedding, try to make the whole day to be about her or try to sabotage the wedding in some way. I don't know, I just have a really bad feeling about it. The hardest part is trying to bring it up to Brian about my concerns, but I don't know how to say "Hey, I don't want your cousin at our wedding so you should pick a new best man." Yeah, not going to happen.

So today I found out my parents are leaving the state for the weekend to go to a concert and I'm going to be home alone with the cats and dogs and the fish. I know most of you are thinking "Whoo! Rager at my house!" right? No. I don't do that shit. I mean yeah, it's going to be great having my parents gone for 5 days so I can ya know, catch a break and finally breathe without them on my ass about everything I do. I'm actually really happy about this except for all the rules they set for when they're gone. Example: I'm not allowed to have anybody over, but I can't stay out for more than 6 hours because I need to take care of the dogs....since I don't have a car I don't have a choice but walk/take the bus to where I need to go and it usually takes me about 2 hours one way to get to Brian's house. So essentially, they want me to go there, stay for a little bit then turn around and go straight home. I mean, c'mon people! I have a social life too! You seriously can't expect me to completely put my social life on hold just because of the dogs! They're lazy-asses anyways. All they do is sleep on the couches, eat, wake up for treats that they're not getting from me and then go back to sleep. It's not going to kill them to be outside for a day! And this whole bullshit about not wanting anyone over is just no. You may think my #1 responsibility is going to be to the dogs, but honestly I made plans with my friends before I even knew you were leaving. Why? Because this weekend was the only week that would work for all of our schedules. I'm not going to cancel my plans I made a while ago just because you don't want anyone over because of a reason that doesn't even get explained to me. That's another thing that pisses me off. I mean honestly, if you're going to tell someone to not do something you better have a damn good reason why they shouldn't do it and that "Because I said so" shit doesn't cut it. I want a legit answer as to why I can't do something. If you can't give me one, then I'm sorry but that means you don't have a legit reason as to why I can't and what you don't want to happen is going to happen. The "because I said so" doesn't work, neither does the "because I'm the parent so what I say goes." No, just...no. Just because you're older than me doesn't mean shit okay? That doesn't automatically mean you know everything and I know nothing. Granted there are some things I don't know, yes, but that's only because I haven't experienced them yet. Just because you apparently went through the same thing when you were my age or whatever doesn't mean it's the same exact situation that will result in the same exact outcome. Something that worked for you might not work for someone else and vice versa. What I don't understand is why do parents teach us the lesson of "You learn from your mistakes". I think parent's shouldn't teach their kids that. Why? Because parents have the uncanny nact to try to do everything in their power from stopping their kids from making mistakes. If they do that...then how are we supposed to learn anything and/or gain experiences? You see what I'm saying? All I'm saying is, if you're going to teach your kids that, let them make mistakes. It's human nature to do that. Humans, by design, are not perfect. Far from it really. We make mistakes all the freaking time! And chances are, if they don't like the outcome, they're not going to do it again either! -gasps- wow, what a concept! But in all seriousness, controlling people is no bueno either.

So the other day was a semi okay day. Brian promised that we would be able to go to the mall for the whole day after picking up the last of our paycheck, which I was really happy and surprised about. He hates malls and never likes going to them. I don't really like going to them either but they're fun to just go in and chill for a few hours or whatever. So we get there and the first thing he wants is food. Typical guy. So we go to the food court and he can't decide what he wants to eat. Like at all. We seriously must've walked in and out of line about 10 times in the span of a few minutes. Finally I just said f it, sat down and made him make a decision. We finally got our food and I told him I wanted to get professionally sized at Victoria's Secret. He threw a bit of a bitch fit about it so I said, okay geezus christ never mind. We finish eating our food and he he drags me into VS with him and I'm like wtf? You said you didn't want to do this so I let it go and now you're dragging me into her after I said to forget about it? I hate it when he does that. It's seriously one of the most annoying things about him. Anyways, I get sized and find out, not only have I grown, but I'm also 2 cup sizes bigger than I though I was. I mean, c'mon everyone can tell I have big boobs from how small I am. It's no secret but to be this big? I hate how big they are already but really? Oh hell nahh. Now I know genetics are fucking with me.After walking around for a few hours, and another argument later, we ended up going into a lingerie store and yeah....I signed my own death certificate by telling him he can come back without me and buy everything and anything he wants. I really should've kept my mouth shut...but the way his face lit up was so hysterical I had to turn away so I wouldn't laugh. He then had me try on these thigh-high boots and by his face I could tell he wanted me really bad and right now. It's fun torturing him. It's not my fault for some God awful reason he thinks I'm incredibly sex and irresistibly. I feel sorry for him really. I mean....after hearing about what his last girlfriend is like and how similar they are, I feel like he deserves someone like her. Someone that's not so different than him like I am. I feel like, if she didn't leave him for his best friend, they should be together. Almost like they're perfect for each other...like they belong together. He hates when I say it but I can't help but think it's true. I mean we argue all the time about the stupidest shit, it's not even funny. Sometimes I think he would be much better off without me. Doesn't matter if he's with someone else or not...just not having me in his life would make him happier somehow eventually. I feel like I should let him go, but I'm too scared to. Call me selfish, but I don't want to live without him. Honestly I don't know if I could live without him. He treats me better than any guy I've ever been with but I can't shake the feeling that he's going to leave me. I don't know if it's just paranoia because of me past or it it's just a premonition of the future. I hope it's just my paranoia.

So today marks one of the worst days I've had in a while. I went from having 3 jobs down to having just 1. My dreams of moving out of my parent's house anytime soon has been slashed. What's worse is that I didn't know I lost my second job until AFTER I got there because the tutoring company I work for didn't even have the decency to tell me that my clients called them and said they don't need me anymore. I mean c'mon you fucking assholes. Granted my phone still doesn't have service but those fuckers have my e-mail address and could've shot me an e-mail or something! They can't pretend to not have it because I've been e-mailing the district director AND have met her in person before too! Geezus Christ it's like people have no common curtsey or common sense anymore! I'm just so......GNAHH!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to shoot or punch something but I won't because I know it won't solve anything. People really piss me off sometimes.