So I did the bad and sneaky thing and read the messages on Facebook between Brian and his ex Amber and have realized he has lied to me before and not just about one thing either. I know of at least 4 and she said he's a compulsive liar....and he didn't deny it! His grandparents have even told my parents the same thing...and honestly I'm starting to think it's true. I mean, he makes some of the most outrageous claims and can't prove them. When he finally does have "proof", something always conveniently happens where that "proof" can't be shown. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and stand up for him when people have called him a liar or anything else....but after reading their conversations and him not denying anything.......I have no idea what to think anymore. He claims him lying to her about....something was what drove their relationship apart and for her to not trust a word he says anymore. This something was never mentioned....but somehow I have the sinking feeling it's the same thing he's told me and that our whole relationship is nothing more than a joke and I'm just a rebound. He even claimed she's the love of his life...not was , IS. As in present tense.....when he told me the same thing. There was also this saying in Tau that apparently you only say once in your life to the person you're truly supposed to be with.....he told that saying to me and said he never said it to Amber....I found it written twice in the messages......He told me they dated for 3 years, when the messages only mentioned half that time......He said she was the one that deceived him, left him, lied to him (which was true at some point)....but he never mentioned she left him because he lied to her........I feel so lost and confused and am on the verge of breaking down....I honestly don't know what to believe anymore....

I hope this isn't the case, but I just might possibly be pregnant. I know what y'all are thinking, "How can this be true? You're someone who has everything going for them, but can't support a baby at this time! Shame, shame" but hey, you can't control these kinda of things. It's something that just...happens. Why do I think this? For starters, I believe I might be showing signs of early pregnancy, like extreme fatigue, nausea, lower back pain, cramping in the....you know  where....area, dizziness, I need to pee a lot, chronic headaches, change in taste of food, I tend to get pissed off really easily now, and there's a possibility I missed my period, but I'm not sure. Keep in mind, most of these have just been happening in the past couple days and doesn't mean they've gone away. I'm honestly not sure. Now for the examples, going in order:
Fatigue
Lately I've been feeling really tired and lazy as all hell lately. I want to sleep all the time and don't really have a motivation to get up and do anything anymore. Honestly, I don't feel like getting out of bed most of the time, and if I do I either go to a different bed or return to my own. I swear, I'm not usually this lazy.
Nausea
About two days or so ago, I threw up for the first time in years and I continued throwing up every half-hour to every hour for the rest of the night. It honestly got so bad, I slept on the bathroom floor for 4 hours or so because every time I would want to go back to bed, not too long later I would have to throw up again. I honestly couldn't keep anything down, even water. Now this is the part where I'm not sure on. Brian had the same problem, but more severely the night before, but his problem also included extreme stomach pain and uncontrollable bowel movements, which included a nasty case of diarrhea. It got so bad, I had to call an ambulance and take him to the E.R. They determined it was a stomach virus and food poisoning at the same time. Mega ouch. And so I get it the next day, minus the bowel movements and diarrhea, but that's not all. Apparently his grandmother contracted a minor case of vomiting too. I didn't hear/see it personally, but that was what I was told. I've also had the feeling like I'm going to throw up lately as well. Now this makes me think if I contracted a stomach virus as well, or could this be morning sickness?
Lower Back Pain
Alright, so check this out, today I've had the worst back pain that I can remember. It honestly got so bad I could hardly move at all or walk correctly. Brian says I pulled a few muscles in my back that was caused by Bert's (a friend of ours) reckless driving when he took Anthony and I up to San Francisco yesterday. That was the day of the vomiting, but it happened before the vomiting happened. I tried everything to relieve it. Brian tried to give me a back message, but said I was too tight and needed to take a bath with epson salt to loosen my back up. I did that, but it didn't help my back at all like it usually does. So I laid down for a bit with a pillow under my lower back, which hurt like hell. I then tried laying on my stomach and it still hurt like hell. I tried to walk it off, but I couldn't walk normally. I didn't get up for dinner because my back hurt that much., If I moved, my back hurt so bad I would almost cry. Brian then said I should take a hot shower with the water stream focused directly on my lower back and on the setting where it was like a spa jet. That still didn't work.He then tried to give me another message, and that made it worse. So as we were watching a movie on Netflix, I could barely focus because of the pain. It's only now just barely starting to subside.
Cramping Like I'm On My Period, but I'm Not
So while this back pain was going on, I got some incredibly horrible cramps in....that region. Now, I usually get cramps like that when I'm on my period but I'm not because I'm not bleeding. Thankfully, it went away after about 10 minutes, but whose to say it won't come back?
Dizziness
This actually is a pretty damn common thing for me, so I'm not sure if this counts. I tend to get really dizzy and light-headed when I sit down and stand up. Like, this happens pretty much every time I stand.
Frequent Urination
I've had the urge to pee a lot in the past couple days. Abnormally so. It's like my bladder has shrunk a few sizes and I need to pee even after I haven drunk anything in a few hours or so.
Headaches
The same thing with dizziness happen with headaches, but not as frequent nor does it happen every time I stand up. It usually happens at random. So again, I'm not sure if this counts.
Change in Tastes of Food
Or lack there of I could say. Today I experienced the sensation of the idea of food and eating repulses me. I threw up everything I ate when I had that vomiting bout, so naturally I knew I needed to eat something soon. Brain's grandfather was making fish and rice for dinner earlier today and, like I said before, my back hurt so much I didn't want to get up to eat. After a trip to the bathroom to, you guessed it, pee. I asked Brian to help me to the dinning room so I could have something to eat. Well, my back hurt so bad I had to sit down and couldn't make it, so Brian heated up a bowl of rice that his grandfather made earlier: my absolute favorite, Rice-A-Roni. I could honestly eat that shit for the rest of my life and never get tired of it. But when I took a bite, I wanted to throw up! This has never happened before. I'm not sure if it's because of my stomach being empty for two days and my body is now rejecting food, or if my taste buds are changing because of a possible pregnancy.
Mood swings
I've been getting really pissy lately. I snapped at Brian a few times today about trivial things when he was only trying to help me or something to that extent. There was a time a few hours ago, wight before we went to bed, when he snapped at me because he is always in pain and I asked him to help me to the bathroom and wait for me to be done so he could help me back because my back still hurt, and I just wanted to go off on him, but I didn't. I held my tongue and just cussed him out under my breath. But when i got out, he apologized for getting mad and helped me back to my room. I can't remember what the other things were about, but I do remember he said something that pissed me off and I snapped something at him and he didn't say anything back. I felt horrible afterwards, but didn't say anything.
Possible Missed Period?
I know girls are supposed to track their periods so they can prepare for the next one, but I can't do that. That only works for girls that are regular. I'm the complete opposite of that. My "regularness" is about once every three months or so. Maybe. So it's extremely difficult to track. It also doesn't help I have a really bad memory and the last period I can clearly remember was in December. I know I've had one since, but I can't remember when that was. Maybe a few months ago? I can't be sure.

I'm just going to come out and say it. As of right now, it's official; Brian and my engagement is over as of last night. It was a mutual agreement and at the moment, we're just friends. It all started when Brian got called into work last night, like he always does, and not only ruined our plans yet again but this one caused me to finally snap and just break down and tell him everything I've been feeling recently. So I told him exactly how I felt about his job, our relationship, my feelings, the depression and suicide thoughts, how I should expect he will leave everyday for work now even on his supposed "days off",  and how I feel that we shouldn't make plans to do anything together anymore because they always get interrupted or canceled because of his job. Well, me telling him I've been beyond miserable and have had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for several months now and the honest to God theory that I don't think I have a heart left to give him after all the bullshit and heartbreak I've been through in my life, led him to propose we break off the engagement until we're both ready for this and then maybe try again in a few years or so.
But don't worry! There is some good news out of this! We talked about it a little over the phone while he was at work, and we're going to discuss what's going to happen next and we might not break it off completely after all when he gets home from work tonight. And if that doesn't work, I have a feeling that our week in Tahoe for his birthday next week, where he is going to accept no work-related phone calls, will straighten things out.